Dating questionnaire for the over 30’s

Dating questionnaire for the over 30’s.

Wouldn’t dating be a lot simpler if we could just skip past all the mind games and present our potential future love interest with a ‘fun personality test’ to access their suitability to fulfill the role? Inspired partially by the superb book ‘The Rosie Project’ by Graeme Simsion and terrified at the prospect of dating again after several relationships gone sour I wrote my own questionnaire. (See below). Obviously, I will not be taking this thing out on dates with me but I can’t help but think it would take a lot of the aggro, confusion, emotional energy out of this whole ‘finding a partner/husband/soul mate’ malarkey. Get it all out there, from the beginning. This is what I am looking for, do you fit the criteria. No? Then move on, next victim please!

Here it is…(prepare to be horrified.)

1. Have you/someone else ever described you as emotionally withdrawn?
2. Would you like to have children (in the not very distant future)?
3. If not, what are your thoughts on egg freezing?
4. Do you have anger management issues?
5. Do you believe you are always right?
6. Are you selfish?
7. Do you ever attempt to control or manipulate people with your words or behavior? For example by withholding affection or emotional blackmail?
8. Do you know that sometimes all it takes is a hug does make everything alright?
9. Do you smoke?
10. Do you exercise, eat healthily and look after yourself?
11. Do you have abandonment issues?
12. Do you have a good relationship with your Mother? Father? Family?
13. Are there any manipulate she-wolves in your social/family circle?
14. Are you kind? Gentle? Generous?
15. Can you support me whilst giving me space to grow?
16. Can you hold me gently but not too tight?
17. Can you tolerate me when I am being a pain in the arse?
18. Can you help me stand on my own two feet without treating me like a child?
19. Can you have fun and laugh and do things to build memories together?
20. Can you give love and receive it gratefully?
21. Can you trust me?

And if that doesn’t scare them the hell away then I don’t know what will.

In all seriousness though, I know that would be pointless, it somewhat takes the fun and mystery out of getting to know someone. But, it is so hard to know how to trust your instincts. How can you subtly find out all this information whist in the throws of chemistry, banter and flirtation? With those infamous rose tinted glasses on. If I was a more care free, less narcotic, and a little less battle scared I would maybe be more inclined to just jump in at the deep end and see where it takes me. But experience has taught me that that HURTS. And not just me, others too. If there is one thing I have learned is that relationships, falling in love and sex all have consequences. It’s a mine field out there. I’m just not sure if I have to emotional energy to battle through another disastrous relationship. But yet my heart yearns so much to love and be loved. To connect on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. So I just know I will keep on making the same mistakes, over and over again.

Conkers, Feathers and Rusty Leaves

…litter my path. Two of these are a sign that my favourite time of year has arrived. (One of them, I like to think, is a sign that someone loves me. But that’s a different story…) I love autumn. I love the crisp air, the way each day feels slightly different from the last as the air gets cooler, the breeze stronger. Maybe because I love change, I resent stagnation. Autumn is the epitome of change, out with the old and in with the new. Autumn says to me, yes this year has been hard. But don’t be jaded. Shed your old toughened skin and retreat for a while. Then when spring comes you will be ready to face the world again. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to love again. But be aware there are always consequences. But when all is said and done, the seasons keep on changing.The only thing that’s stays the same is that soft rhythm of nature. A metronome ticking away whether we choose to notice it or not. Although, I will not be in England for the next few weeks as I am off on A Big Adventure, I am comforted by the idea that Autumn also exists in Canada…and is certainly going to be just as spectacular. I need this break that is for certain and when I get back there are decisions to be made and questions looming. Will I need another operation to remove yet another cyst. Will I go for egg freezing. Where will I be living? It’s time for me to move out of my patents house where I’ve been for the last 18 months since I spilt with my ex. But wether or not I rent or buy depends on my finances…if the answer to the previous two questions is yes then bang goes my deposit and the decision will have been made for me. An interesting choice, do I invest in a roof over my head or a future chance of a baby. There doesn’t seem much point having a child if you can afford to house it somewhere!! Oh well. One is more pressing than the other I suppose. So some big adventures when I get back from holiday too. (And maybe even a date if I play my cards right…at least I have one good thing to look forward to… ! ) Happy Autumn everybody, I hope it blows out the cobwebs and makes way for some good things for us all.

Hoping for a Miracle

I have a massive decision to make. I am also renowned for being incapable of almost any decision right down to what I am going to have for lunch. I have always put it down to being able to see both sides of every argument. Always the diplomat. Always sitting on the fence. But this is A Big Decision. One that affects an increasing number of single women in their 30’s…

Should I freeze my eggs?

My situation is kind of unusual. I’m not trying to put off having a baby because I want a career first. Or because I am haven’t met the right man yet (although that is part of it.) My problem is that due to persistent ovarian cysts, at the age of 30 my fertility is depleting.

I already lost one ovary when I was admitted to A and E at the age of 21. I had two large dermoid cysts that had twisted around to cut off the blood supply. I have never been in so much agony in my life. I also lost 90 percent of the right one and was told I had a pea sized amount left.

My doctor told me he had no idea how long I would be fertile for, maybe 5 maybe 10 years he could not say. I was devastated. At the age if 21 I had been busy at university and not even thought about whether or not I wanted children. I guess I just sort of assumed it would happen someday (although I knew it wasn’t going to happen with my then current boyfriend, who not very sympathetically told me ‘oh well you said you didn’t think you wanted children anyway’…)

I spent 8 years worrying about the fact that my clock was ticking faster than the average girl. I also worried a lot about the possibility of going into early menopause. Every time I got a bit hot, is it a hot flush? Is this the beginning of the end of my fertility? The idea of gaining weight, growing a beard and loosing my sex drive forever weighed heavily on my mind.

All the while I hoped I would find the right man. One with whom I felt I wanted to have children. I had a few different boyfriends but never felt that I wanted to settle down and have children with any of them. Was it just me? Maybe I don’t want children? Maybe I just haven’t met the ‘Right Guy’ yet? How much longer do I have to decide? What do I really want?

After 8 years of anxiety it happened again. This time two 10 cm dermoid cysts where eventually removed from my one remaining ovary. This was not after some considerable messing around. I was fortunate enough to have private medical insurance through my work policy but my first consultant was, although a very nice man, all too willing to whip out the ovary saying he couldn’t see any ovarian tissue left. Thankfully, I was introduced to an amazing surgeon who appreciated my desire to hang on to my ovary for as long as possible and she expertly removed the two offenders leaving as much ovarian tissue as she could behind.

I was elated. I had been bought more time. Though she warned me I might want to have children pretty quickly. That’s all very well and good I thought, but I’m currently single so it’s not looking too likely.

Over the years since my first operation I have wondered about egg freezing, knowing I wouldn’t have as much time as most other women my age. But I kept putting it out of my head. I pondered the ethics of it. Why go to extreme scientific lengths to produce a baby when the world is already suffering a population crisis and there are so many children out there hoping to be adopted. Maybe it’s ‘ment to be’…Then there is the cost of it. Thousands of pounds, for something that may not even work! Then there is the physical discomfort. The idea of putting myself through a course of self administered hormone injections and more operations is quite frankly terrifying.

It is now 6 months after my last operation and I have another cyst growing. It’s time to make the decision. I suppose I could go for the egg freezing to just buy me more time, but what happens if the process of over stimulating my ovaries to produce eggs has a negative impact on my one remaining ovary? I think it’s time to make an appointment with a specialist to at least talk the options through.

I’m not necessarily broody now, although I definitely feel a pang of envy when I see my friends seeming to have children so easily, or women in their late 30’s who have had the luxury of time to find the right partner or get a good career going before they start a family. But then I also know that no-body has it easy in life. Everyone has their own troubles even if everything looks perfect from an outsiders point of view. This is just my particular journey. There are lessons to learn and I am ever so grateful that this is not a life threatening concern, I know there are many people out there with much worse case scenarios and I am grateful to be spared that agony.

I find myself thinking every time I have an ultrasound scan, legs a-kimbo, as I stare up at the ceiling, trying to psychologically remove myself from the situation that I find myself in, “one day I’ll be doing this for a good reason, one day I’ll have a baby in there…” but I’m not even sure if believe that myself. Anything can happen I suppose, if I do ever get pregnant I suspect it will be nothing short of a miracle.

 

The Big Scarey Little Step

Hi. I’m Mary and I think I might be little bit of a panphobe.* (No spell check – I do not mean xenophobe – but thanks for trying to be helpful!)

*Ok I must first make a disclaimer that I am not technically diagnosed panphobic. I’m sure there are people out there who are really suffering from an extreme fear of everything and I do not wish to cause any offense…

It is also somewhat typical of me to start out with an apology. Whether its because I am just so frightfully British, or because as woman I have been trained by society to believe I am inferior for hundreds of years, or because I have low self esteem, I do seem to find my self apologising frequently. Franking, I’m surprised I don’t just introduced myself “Hi, I’m Mary and I’m Sorry for Whatever it is I Did or Am About To Do”…anyway I digress.

Technically I have never been diagnosed as panphobic (if such a diagnosis exists) however, it is certainly true that I have a fear of a lot of things. Spiders, heights, the dark, malevolent spirits, people seeing who I truly am, dying when I’m not ready to go…but more than anything I am scared of letting my fears stop me form living my life to the full.

This is something I need to change. I know how fleeting and precious life is and I am very conscious that I really want to live it to the full but I let my fears stop me from doing so many things. I guess this is why I am writing this blog right now. Precisely because I’m scared to do so. They say do something that scares you every day, well what could be more scarey than putting your thoughts out into the ether for the world to see. I have no idea if this is a good idea. Yet I find myself doing it anyway. If there is one thing I know it is this, when you feel scared it is because you are pushing your boundaries and the only way to grow is to keep pushing on those barriers. Every time you feel your stomach twist and a little voice in your head say, ‘No thank you, not today, I’d rather shut myself away somewhere safe’, is an opportunity to grow.

What is this blog about? In truth I don’t really know yet! A way to get to know myself I suppose and push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m not going to lie its an entirely selfish act. I’m 30 years old but I feel I have spent much of my adult life living on other peoples terms. I do this on purpose, I deliberately give away my power to others as I want them to take care of me. I am starting to think this is because I am afraid of taking responsibility for myself. I am afraid I can’t handle that responsibility. So I give it away. As a result of this whenever I do something by myself it is a novelty. I am almost surprised that I did not end up lost, or injured or dead.

(Also I have been hearing a tiny little voice in my head nagging me to do this for many years, and over the years I have learned to honor that little voice, in order to encourage it out into the open. It is my little guide through life and I know I should be paying it the attention it deserves.)

So anyway I have decided that it is time to take some little baby steps towards freedom. And this is step one. Trying new things. Join me if you like. Or don’t if you don’t like.

I’m going outside now as I can hear the sun begging me to feel its warmth on my skin. I’ll let you know about my next little step soon!

Good bye for now!

M

(sorry)