Hoping for a Miracle

I have a massive decision to make. I am also renowned for being incapable of almost any decision right down to what I am going to have for lunch. I have always put it down to being able to see both sides of every argument. Always the diplomat. Always sitting on the fence. But this is A Big Decision. One that affects an increasing number of single women in their 30’s…

Should I freeze my eggs?

My situation is kind of unusual. I’m not trying to put off having a baby because I want a career first. Or because I am haven’t met the right man yet (although that is part of it.) My problem is that due to persistent ovarian cysts, at the age of 30 my fertility is depleting.

I already lost one ovary when I was admitted to A and E at the age of 21. I had two large dermoid cysts that had twisted around to cut off the blood supply. I have never been in so much agony in my life. I also lost 90 percent of the right one and was told I had a pea sized amount left.

My doctor told me he had no idea how long I would be fertile for, maybe 5 maybe 10 years he could not say. I was devastated. At the age if 21 I had been busy at university and not even thought about whether or not I wanted children. I guess I just sort of assumed it would happen someday (although I knew it wasn’t going to happen with my then current boyfriend, who not very sympathetically told me ‘oh well you said you didn’t think you wanted children anyway’…)

I spent 8 years worrying about the fact that my clock was ticking faster than the average girl. I also worried a lot about the possibility of going into early menopause. Every time I got a bit hot, is it a hot flush? Is this the beginning of the end of my fertility? The idea of gaining weight, growing a beard and loosing my sex drive forever weighed heavily on my mind.

All the while I hoped I would find the right man. One with whom I felt I wanted to have children. I had a few different boyfriends but never felt that I wanted to settle down and have children with any of them. Was it just me? Maybe I don’t want children? Maybe I just haven’t met the ‘Right Guy’ yet? How much longer do I have to decide? What do I really want?

After 8 years of anxiety it happened again. This time two 10 cm dermoid cysts where eventually removed from my one remaining ovary. This was not after some considerable messing around. I was fortunate enough to have private medical insurance through my work policy but my first consultant was, although a very nice man, all too willing to whip out the ovary saying he couldn’t see any ovarian tissue left. Thankfully, I was introduced to an amazing surgeon who appreciated my desire to hang on to my ovary for as long as possible and she expertly removed the two offenders leaving as much ovarian tissue as she could behind.

I was elated. I had been bought more time. Though she warned me I might want to have children pretty quickly. That’s all very well and good I thought, but I’m currently single so it’s not looking too likely.

Over the years since my first operation I have wondered about egg freezing, knowing I wouldn’t have as much time as most other women my age. But I kept putting it out of my head. I pondered the ethics of it. Why go to extreme scientific lengths to produce a baby when the world is already suffering a population crisis and there are so many children out there hoping to be adopted. Maybe it’s ‘ment to be’…Then there is the cost of it. Thousands of pounds, for something that may not even work! Then there is the physical discomfort. The idea of putting myself through a course of self administered hormone injections and more operations is quite frankly terrifying.

It is now 6 months after my last operation and I have another cyst growing. It’s time to make the decision. I suppose I could go for the egg freezing to just buy me more time, but what happens if the process of over stimulating my ovaries to produce eggs has a negative impact on my one remaining ovary? I think it’s time to make an appointment with a specialist to at least talk the options through.

I’m not necessarily broody now, although I definitely feel a pang of envy when I see my friends seeming to have children so easily, or women in their late 30’s who have had the luxury of time to find the right partner or get a good career going before they start a family. But then I also know that no-body has it easy in life. Everyone has their own troubles even if everything looks perfect from an outsiders point of view. This is just my particular journey. There are lessons to learn and I am ever so grateful that this is not a life threatening concern, I know there are many people out there with much worse case scenarios and I am grateful to be spared that agony.

I find myself thinking every time I have an ultrasound scan, legs a-kimbo, as I stare up at the ceiling, trying to psychologically remove myself from the situation that I find myself in, “one day I’ll be doing this for a good reason, one day I’ll have a baby in there…” but I’m not even sure if believe that myself. Anything can happen I suppose, if I do ever get pregnant I suspect it will be nothing short of a miracle.